It's all about the numbers

As I was showering today I asked myself the gross question of how many times I have actually showered.  Sadly the number was not as many days as it has been since I had my ACL surgery.  Some wise men said two things to me.  1.  Numbers are no more nefarious than words  2.  Numbers aren't everything, but they are something.  I thought I would take how many days I have been laid up in this magic carpet of a bed (10 Days on the 24 hour clock) and give some other stats.  

• Number of times I have showered ::  4 (It takes a long time)
  
• Number of stitches in my knee ::  8 ( I think...)
  
• Number of staples  ::  5 (So I know have a full set)
  
• Hours my CPM machine has been running  ::  120
  
• Times I have been out of the house  ::  8
  
• Pills I have taken  ::  43
• Times I have pathetically fallen with my crutches  ::  2
  
• Times someone has seen me fall  ::  0 (yet..)
  
• Times Jackson has asked to go to a fountain  ::  435  (read my blog two days ago)
  
• Days I have seen 2:37 AM on the clock ::  8
  
• Days till I can drive again ::  11 
  
• Days till I am off my crutches  ::  18
  
• Amount I have made off of the left-over pills  ::  Let's just say Jackson and Bella will be going to private school.
• People that have called me "Gimp"  ::  137
  
• People that have called me "Pastor Gimp"  ::  1  (Myself, responding to the 137 people who called me gimp..."That's Pastor Gimp to you")
  
• Times I dozed off with the remote in my hand like an 87 yr old  ::  5
  
• Times I have said, "I'm sorry could you say that again" due to medication  ::  12

This is going down as quite a time to be shaped and influenced.  Hope I am fully formed by the end of this ordeal or else the numbers will come back...

As you were.

The Greatest Knock Knock Jokes ever!

When I went in for my surgery, I was hanging out with Nurse Allie (Allie Penner to most of you).  She was beginning to prep me for my surgery.  First off, I adore Nurse Allie completely appropriately, however as I was wheeled into the operating room she walked up to my gurney which was much skinnier than I was and she had this devilish grin on her face.  The whole experience was a bit overwhelming.  I was attempting not soil my hospital gown as it was.  It wasn't mine and I was going to have to give it back at some point.  What I did make note of, but not really acknowledge, was the grinding noise that was going on in the back ground.  That grin of hers was the pleasure she was going to take in telling me that grinding noise was actually the sound of someone sawing cadaver bone off of cadaver ACL that would be going into me.  I didn't need to know that.

She told me that most people who go under anesthesia will begin telling her a story but it will never finish.  We agreed that I would just go for a simple knock-knock joke.  I never thought she would actually cash in on the knock-knock joke so I felt it was safe to promise something I would never have to make good on.  She must know the power of the anesthesia, so she waited until I had gotten my first good hit of drugs.  I would never encourage anyone to participate in illegal substances but if given the chance for a way to get a hold of this stuff while being overseen by a doctor of medical practice please do it.  So I get my first hit of this stuff and Nurse Allie asks again for that knock-knock joke.  At this point I was more than happy to oblige.  As I can recall it went a little something like this:

Nurse Allie :  "So what is this knock-knock joke you have for us."

Me :  "Oh I have a grut one.  Hure goooose.  Knock-Knock."

Nurse Allie :  "Who's there?"

Me :  "Interrupting Cow"

Nurse Allie :  "Interrupting Cow w..."

Me :  "MOOOOOOOO"  ( I am a comedic genius)

From this point they hit me again with what I can only guess was a rhino tranquilizer from the speed and ferocity it was taking me to dreamy land.

Me :  "I got anutr juannnnn.  Knock-Knowc"   ( mind you I am almost gone)

Nurse Allie :  "Who's there"  (Enjoying this more than she should)

Me :  "Interrupting Sloth"

Nurse Allie :  "Interrupting Sloth Who"

I begin to raise myself off of the table to poke her in the forehead, cause that is what an interrupting sloth would do.

What comes next is only hearsay, but she has never been proven to be a liar before.  You see, the third part of the joke ends with a slap.  

"Knock-Knock, Who's There, Completely Uncalled for, Completely Uncalled for who (SLAP)"

I thankfully had my wits about me enough to know never ever ever ever ever slap a person that is sedating you and then their father is cutting into you.  4th Commandment I believe.

I kindly informed her of the third part of the joke and then giggled myself to sleep like three girls at a slumber party.  When I woke up I had a new knee.  Thanks Doc Hanson.  And thanks Nurse Allie for encouraging me and putting up with what will always be in my mind the greatest knock-knock joke ever.

Everything I learned about fountains I found out from Jackson

It happened early in life, but we found with a cranky child like Jackson that he was fascinated by water and fountains.  There was something calming about them.  This truth has not stopped and he is almost 3.  I would, if anything, say it has intensified.  He talks about fountains, asks about fountains, wants to visit fountains, and when taken to them will do some sort of a ritualistic dance in front of them.  With that in mind I wanted to share the vast amount of knowledge that have gained from our fountain visits...

• Fountains usually come in groups of three's or at the very least they are presented in odd numbers.  One fountain, three fountains, five, seven...you get the point.  I challenge you to find me 8 fountains in one place...unless one of them is broken, which does sometimes happen.
• Darrell's Mini Storage has a pretty slammin' fountain display in front of each of their establishments.
  
• Jackson's favorite is the one on NE corner of Nees and Blackstone though it has been broken down for about a week now.
• The one directly across the street at the Villagio (in front of CPK) had bubble bath thrown into in on Superbowl Sunday and we spent about 15 min making it snow by scooping up bubbles and throwing them around.  Amazing
• Fountains are often turned off at night
• Fountains are turned off more in the winter.  This has not been boding well for us the last couple of weeks.
• Most fountains, if turned off at night, come on in the 9 AM hour.
• Many apartments have fountains and I would argue that the Dominician's on Maple and Shepherd has the best fountain display.
• Jackson will talk to anyone about fountains and ask if you will take him to see one.  His discernment goes way down when fountains are in play.
• The fountain at Fashion Fair mall always reminds me of the proverb about a little sleep and a little slumber...and destruction comes upon you, because Jackson always starts out watching that fountain and ends up in that fountain.  It is deceptive.   You think you can just watch but it sucks you in with its motion and action.
• A small backyard fountain will do in a pinch, but does not provide the satisfaction of a full fountain display.
• Willow and Nees fountain is a great one to run around.  It is a big round like shape.
• Home Improvement stores have many fountains in a row and can be walked around for long periods of time.

That is enough for now.  As I recall other fountain wisdom I will add it.  The one lasting bit of knowledge I will share is this.  God has placed a child directly in my crosshairs that could watch water all day long for many reasons.  Of which, I have only seen some of those reasons.  It is very difficult to be hurried when you are at a fountain (unless of course you are late to see another fountain).  Other than the satisfaction of a small boy, there is not much that comes out of visiting a fountain, so I have many moments in my day to pause and collect myself.  It is my time to pray.  For my child, my children, my wife, and family as a whole.  Thanks God, I am going to go hang out at some water and talk to you.

 

I small gift to my wife

What's In a Name?

When there is a new addition to the family there are a few things that must be done:

We make sure that they have a place to stay.  When Jackson and Bella were born we painted the room, shopped for furniture, and got their room ready.  Bless my organized wife, that child could come walking out of the womb 2 1/2 months early and we would still have a place for them.  That is just how she rolls.  

We have had people bring food for the next few weeks.  Both my wife and I are pretty good cooks, but there is not way we could match some of the food that is brought to us during our first couple of weeks with both of our kids.  Some of the meals are prepared at someone else's home but then it is put together at our home with presentation.  Very royal.  I have even had full platters of BBQ.  I cried just a little bit that night and wished for more children.  

One of the most important steps...

We name them.

For each of our children they were destine to have the names that they had long before they ever came to live at our home.  Jackson Orian Bachman holds many meanings.  I come from a long line of JOBs.  My grandfather, father, and myself all have JOB as their initials and that would be the case for Jackson as well.  In addition my Grandfather's name was Jack and so it holds a bit of double special meaning (like the fact that Oreos are good, but Double Stuffed are just more of the awesome).  Finally Jackson's middle name of Orian is after Shara and I's favorite constellation in the sky, and probably the easiest one to find.  The Hunter Orion was a character of bravery and strength.  Both of which we pray for our little Jack Jack.  As far as Isabella Kristan Bachman, she too was an early namer.  Kristan was a slam dunk with it being the middle name that has been passed down many generations on Shara's side.  Many of the women from her family also have the middle name Kristan, including Shara.  Isabella was one of a few on a short list of names that began for us before we were married.  The other names eventually fell by the wayside.  Most of them were cute but sounded a bit too much like the name of a stripper.  So we went with our favorite.  The meaning of Isabella is "Beautiful".  That too, is our prayer for our child.  That she is beautiful both inside and out.  We pray that she not only strives for beauty but also makes the world she lives in more beautiful.  So far she is doing well, I would have to say.

Our newest addition to the family came to us last Wed morning at 11:45 AM.  It didn't have a name at this time.  It was only known as Anterior Cruciate Ligament, and Cadaver Anterior Cruciate Ligament for that matter.  That is not a name, that is a title.  We don't call our children Baby One or Baby Two.  We name them.  And so the process happened that we welcomed someone else into our family last Wednesday.

We made sure they had a place to stay.  

We cleaned out our bedroom and made room for a CPM machine to spend more time with me than my wife has in the last 7 days.  My new ACL is resting comfortable in this machine.  I think of it as a bassinet for a knee.  Kind of romantic.  And it rocks back and forth.

We have had people bring food for the new arrival for the next few weeks.

As before, the food has been amazing.  Homemade Lemon Meringue Pie, MORE BBQ, and even TimTams (I didn't know until last night either).  The food continues to make me cry.  I also cry even harder when my wife is gone and there is no food coming.  Really don't know what to do.

We name them.

This has been the place where I have struggled.  I have my top ten list of names for my new knee but I have had a hard time limiting it to one.  So I thought I would share all of them with you.

1.  Knight that says Knee

2.  Anthony Hopkins

3.  David Beckham

4.  IHOP

5.  Limp Bizkit

6.  Battle at Wounded Knee

7.  The Gimper

8.  A.C. L.ater

9.  Kneed to know basis

10. Hopalong Cassidy

So with that...the new addition is blending with the family nicely.  He is not sleeping through the night yet.  He hasn't learned to walk yet.  And he doesn't do much, he just lays there.  But we love him and grateful he is here...whatever his name will eventually be.

Welcome to the family, we are glad you are here ACL!

How Did I Get Here?

There is a fine balance between introspection, self deprecation, and massive pity parties.  Obviously my desire is to stay closer to the first than the other two.  It is good to look within yourself.  Pause for moments (weeks is probably too long, but it is usually feast or famine in my life).  Use the time that is given to you to pull specks or logs out of your own eye and take a bit of personal inventory.  The moments that have been the most painful come like this:  

It is 10:34 AM in our home and life is going at a pretty quick pace.  The kids are up and they have been fed, bathed, and gotten ready for their day.  That consists of two children's television shows, 15 mini-pancakes (Jackson) and four hand-fulls of blueberries (Isabella), and one bath where at least one of the children use the bath water as their own personal toilet.  I don't know if it is the warm water that relaxes everything, but you can set your watch.  They will poop in the bath.  This getting ready process only happens if someone does it for them.  We don't have the good fortune of having children that are old enough to do much for themselves and so it is constant monitoring that will get you out the door before 1 PM which is their nap time, and when you have to be back home.  It is a complex little dance I tell you.  So as I sit upstairs in my CPM machine I hear my wife desperately attempting to wrangle two children that must have some sort of team meeting.  I swear I have snuck into rooms where I have heard our two year old ask our one year old if she is with him.  They then take a milk oath and both crap their pants at the same time.  As soon as one does something, the other takes that as their turn to do the same thing or the complete opposite.  Which one it is usually depends on which will cause more chaos.  Would it be the critical mass of two children working on one project of ripping books of value together or each child going to the opposite end so the house so they are as far apart from each other as possible doing something that expresses their own flavor of destructive creativity.  I will hear something like, "Jackson, don't play with that you will burn yourself and the whole house down" and then a question comes to me that sounds something like, "Jeff, do we own a fire extinguisher?"  The problem is not the question.  Shara and I have asked each other weirder questions, (like which stains worse, poop or vomit?  Or if you had to be a Wiggle which one would you be.  We both answered Anthony by the way.)  It is the fact that I have to calmly answer the question and do nothing about it.  I have secured for myself the best wife and mother in human history.  She continues to be a balance of fun, calm wisdom, mothering knowledge, and down right sexy wife.  She carries her weight just fine.  It is just that in times like this, her load is much bigger and I worry it is too big.  No one person should have to deal with the troubles of an entire household...including a 34 year old man-child who can't stay on his feet during broomball.  I pray for her daily.  I thank God for who she is and what she is doing for our family.  I pray that she will be rewarded often.  And I know Mother's Day this year is going to cost a lot.  I am watching a world go on around me and there is nothing I can do about it.

The other comes at about 2:37 in the morning.  A time I have seen for the past week.  I don't know why I am awake at that moment every night, but for some reason there I am.  My meds have warn off, my butt and back are stiff  from sitting in a 45 degree angle, and I am hungry because I am not able to graze like a bovine cow since I am stuck in my CPM machine.  My brain turns on and I begin to think.  For most people, if they give their mind too much time to wander it will do dangerous things, and I am no different.  I begin to ask questions.  Some are fun.  "How big of a fort could I build within the square footage of my bed?"  Some are practical.  "When is the last time you showered?"  Or "What is that smell?"  I come to the conclusion that that question was actually a two parter.  I showered last week and the smell is me.  Others are questions that may not even be coming from me.  "Why did you do this?  You have screwed up another situation and brought about pain and misery to you and your family.  Why are you such a failure?"  I don't want to pretend that the burden I carry with my time laid up in bed is anything close to that of my wife, but I do know that the guilt of what I am doing to the family consumes me.  I should be the one catching children when they fall off the bed, shoveling up half eaten diapers by our dog, or moving cars that have been parked in the middle of the street.  These all happened today and my wife fixed them all with style and grace.  I know she is happy to do it, as I would be if the shoe were on the other foot.  I would never ask this of anyone else.  You couldn't pay someone to wade through these weeks.  

My hope is that I have a deeper understanding of the covenant that I took with my wife from this.  When the roles are reversed you better believe I feel pretty sorry for myself.  I guess that time is done.  I am witnessing a woman serve me during the "worse" of better or worse.  When a flu strikes our family and they all look to me to sack up, then I best start sacking.  Payback comes quickly and with a vengeance on times like this.  If God blesses us with other children then it will be my good pleasure to hold the hair of my wife when she has nausea for three months of the pregnancy and down for the count for 8 weeks of C-section recovery.  It is the ying and yang balance of serving and giving with no expectations that your will come soon.  The fact is it usually does, and it comes in the form of a dead man's ACL being placed in your knee.  I hope he was a basketball player....

I love you my dear sweet servant wife.

The Origin Story

It was a clear night in December and I was my own favorite hero. Heading onto the ice arena, I though no one could stop me. I had trained, stretched, hydrated, prayed, and tithed. I thought this would be the year to end all years in my yearly staff broomball tourney. It was the year to end all years, but not how I expected. And someONE did not stop me, someTHING did. And its name is Gravity (it's always bringing me down). I slide into a wall, buckled under my own weight, girth, and momentum to the sound of a popping knee. Which I learned that night from my favorite Directional Leader is that when you hear your knee pop it is usually a bad thing. It was confirmed 24 hours later that it was indeed a bad thing, and the repercussions would be Extra Gum...you know, long-lasting.

I have already learned much from my down time, but if I thought I had experienced down time before I had another thing coming. Saying I am experiencing down time now would be like saying that Angelina Jolie only wants a few kids. That other thing coming was a CPM machine (Continual Passive Motion) for those not down with the PT references (physical therepathy) for those not down with other abbreviations. I am in this machine for 8-15 hours a day and I have found that I sleep poorly in it so add in the abnormal 4 hours of sleep I am getting a night and you have almost a full day.

With all that said, I have came up with an idea so I would stop naming the bugs in my room and asking my desk and wall to be my Valentine (they said no BTW). Check it out ::

It is an interesting concept to try to do something that you have never done but wanted to try. For myself, that comes in the form or writing or to even be so bold as to call myself a writer. I own pens and a keyboard, but that does not mean I am actually I writer. I have also driven a car but I would never call myself a mechanic. It is one of those wonderings that breaks down to, "If I never try it, I will always wonder." I had the same questions about Trim Spa diet pills and Tanning Beds. So with that in mind, I am launching an experiment. Not that it is a big mystery as to what that experiment is, though some of you might think it has something to do with Mentos and Diet coke. By the way, that is not an experiment, it is just awesome. Come back...One of my favorite bands in the world is/are the Barenaked Ladies. Not the regular noun with the adjective in front of it, rather the proper noun of a formal title. However the first should also not be overlooked in the right, singular, biblical, context. Ed Robertson, the primary songwriter for BNL, said in an interview once that he wrote songs everyday. That is a lot of songs. With that I would believe there are some stinkers. However, there obviously is some lyrical gold. "Chickity China the Chinese Chicken..." Regardless of where you fall on the like/love/hate of "One Week" and if you consider it a stinker or gold, it is a song. And their kids are going to go to college now because of that little ditty. I am not writing to get more money, but if someone wants to pay for my house and I do what I love then it is a win/win situation. (One more win and it is the perfect conflict resolution...you know a win/win/win) All that said, I will begin a two week writing project. I will write every day regardless of the amount that I have to say or think. That has never stopped me from talking everyday, so why should the written thought be any different. It could amount to nothing or something of great value. It is past my birthday, so I have one less excuse as to why I should be able to document on a daily basis. I have had a full blogspot tutorial from my dear, sweet and futurely caffeinated friend Holly Snyder-Thompson. See you soon!

As you were, there is nothing to see here...yet